Laid back and relaxed. I try to exercise enough to keep fit, but dress comfortably, My art style is a cross of Grunge, Oriental, and unfinished.
8.14.2011
8.13.2011
And fear is justified
So I went out as per our agreement to meet my estranged wife and pick up my children. And guess what, she did not show. Her story was she was in the hospital. So I called all of the hospitals between my home and hers and found that she wasn't admitted into the hospital. I then drove to the address she provided me with as to her location, and it doesn't exist. So now what? more to come. I am angry right now, I am hurt taht I cannot see my children but I am more angry. I worry for my children, They want to see me, they need me.
Terrified
I am terrified, I’m going through a serious upheaval in my life right now, and I am not only terrified but devastated as well. The truth of the matter is this, I do NOT have control of other people. Now normally this isn’t a bad thing. However, this other person apparently wants to hurt me. I don’t know why, I don’t understand it. I do not believe that I have ever done anything to warrant it. I understand that there are two sides to a coin (technically three on a coin.) and I try hard to understand this persons position. But alas I can’t even fathom what is going through their head.
The part that truly scares me, is not so much as to what this person can do to me, but how it affects the children. The fact that the children can be used against a parent. This thought sickens and terrifies me. I can only be the best that I can be. I can strive to be better (and I’m doing so every day). I can only hope that I can reduce, subdue, decrease, lessen the damage that might befall them.
Perhaps I am jumping the gun so to speak, perhaps I worry over nothing. If that is so then Thank the Lord God. For I hate for any child to go through this. Times have changed, a vow is no longer the sacred words that they once were. The divorce rate in this country alone is so high that it seems to me that people are getting married like they’re dating. I did not enter into the marriage, because I thought it was the next step in dating. I did not enter into marriage because I wanted to raise children and put them through the hell of a divorce. I am trying to be amicable. I know what my significant other did during our marriage. I know I probably should of left the first time this person strayed. I was hopelessly in love, I cared for and adored her. I wanted it to work. I did not ask to be disabled. I did not go out and actively seek to damage my spine to a condition that I can neither sit or stand, nor did I pursue to have my arms riddled with pain. This afflictions are what God had lined up for me. I was severely depressed for some time. And at the behest of my significant other finally sought help. I am doing better. I require some medication to maintain my pleasant mental stability. But, even so, I did not think that I was that bad. I have worked with this person through their issues, I have remained faithful even though they had not, I spoke with held comforted, and loved this person. And now when I was expecting the same, they left me. Poisoned my step-children against me. Why? What is the purpose? why not just leave? Ten years I have been with them. Ten years I have raised two other men’s children as if they were my own. And when God saw fit to bless us with two of our own children I still gave them the love that they deserved. I remember speaking with them about their fathers. I remember consoling them, I even remember telling them that their fathers are lost at this time and not to hate them, that one day their fathers would try and return to them.
I am not a saint. I was married and divorced before. I bore two boys with my first wife, and for reasons that I may refrain from speaking about at this time (it is still a sad subject and I am already saddened by my current situation to discuss that one any further.) I merely mention this to show I am no saint. I’m not. I am a sad man. Perhaps if I wasn’t taking the aforementioned medication I would be severely depressed. I am waiting on disability from the government so that I too may live. But am a parent. As such I take pride in my children for their first steps, words, laugh, gas, potty’s, running, friends, sentences, smiles. These I hold dear, though I may not remember every one clearly. I am terrified.
Why do I put this out here? why do I post my dirty laundry for the world to see? I don’t know. I’m not really seeking attention (though, perhaps subconsciously I am, I don’t think so.) I merely feel the need to say something to someone. I have a wonderful sister with children of her own that are providing me with a wonderful place for serenity, and help. God bless them. Perhaps, this is a warning, perhaps, it’s a waste of time. Perhaps, this is a prayer. Whatever this is that compels me to write this for the universe to see, it is what it is. Thank you for taking the time to read this, thank you for any prayers that may have been sent my way. I shall pray for you too. But, please pray for the children. They need it more then I do in the near future. God bless you all.
8.11.2011
It's funny
On tumblr someone posted great thing about love a couple of times actually. Both were well written but one sort of sticks to me. Unfortunately I can't find the quote and who wrote it. I will summarize the last sentence which had to do with letting someone into your world and them having the ability to burn it down. I keep thinking about that regarding in dealing with teh other dragon here namely my soon to be ex. The lies she is spouting in her emails are incredible. I mean she knows better, but she writes them anyway in her attempt to hurt me. I don't understand it. I should write more on this later
Back
Whew, it took me some time actually less then I thought. I was locked out of my google account. I'm not sure what happened, and think perhaps I was hacked, but my password no longer worked v_v. You know what's amusing is that I've had this gmail account for like 11 years. I didn't realize how much shtuff I used it for, and then add google services too boot. A little update in my life the kids are still with their mother, and she's not playing hardball, she's playing lie and defame ball, the shit she's saying is so overboard, and so made up. How does this happen? Why do we do this? It's always my fault, and to be honest that cannot be true people. I hate lies I hate drama worst of all I hate what this is doing to the children. Look for whatever reason let it go, think of the kids please!!!!
8.05.2011
So I went to the Natural Science Center with my children today. The go with their mother tomorrow for a week. I'll miss them. But they need their mother and school starts soon.
Here they are outside of the Croc exhibit.
And here we are in front of T-rex
And Daughter as a bug
Son as a bug
and Looking at the rare maned wolves
This was our second visit this week and a short one, but fun none the less. I will miss them while they're away.
8.04.2011
Trust
What can you do when the trust is broken, well if you want a relationship you repair it, what do you do when they break it again.. fuck them ... they obviously don't care about you.
I've been working on this image for about a week now, it's incomplete, meaning it's still in the works but it's what I'm using to help de-stress myself. The solder is Merula Tuditana, A Sister of battle, from the Order of the Ebon Chalice, ^_^
8.03.2011
Days
I spent this morning with Matt and Lilly at the Natural Science Center. It was watermelon day! We saw Tigers, and how fast they could run and the Maned Wolf is apparently an omnivour, and a plethora of other animals competing for our attention. Then we went inside the main building and saw sharks and lion fish, as well as a huge gravity clock, and a replica of the Titanic on the ocean floor, followed by playing in the play area. We also pet a Guinea Pig, a rabbit, sheep, and goats. They had a great day. Then I took them for ice cream, to which they enjoyed thourghly. all of this was followed by a visit to the doctors office for me and Matt .. And Matt got shots ... I owe him more ice cream apparently. The rest of the day has been spent relaxing and spending time with the Kids. They are happy, I am happy. well as happy as I can be ^_^ which is actually pretty effing happy. Now off to spend time and read to the kids.
8.02.2011
Step one
First and foremost, this is not my first divorce, but it is my second, and definitely the longest relationship I've ever had (married for 9 years together for 10). And as angry as I want to be regarding the whole situation, my first thought is of my children. So I want to work everything out amicability, I mean it's not like I hate her. I jsut hate her decision regarding this matter. I do still love her. However, I'm not about to lose my children. I firmly believe that they need their mother as much as they need me, except that for some odd reason, she doesn't want to be nice. The first things out of her mouth are always derogatory towards me, where did all this hatred and anger come from? What the hell has happened? I am so lost, So... I took my children and enrolled the oldest in school today. He shall now be attending the 2nd grade, tomorrow I need to go by the courthouse for some paper that would allow at least him to stay with me during school and it will cost me $150, money I don't have, but it's for them, they need structure, stability and it's all I can do to provide for them and make them happy. Look, people can be jerks when it comes down to children and child-support, but in the end it's the children who suffer, if you don't want to deal with that aspect and totally fuck up some childs life then keep your legs closed.
8.01.2011
Learning
So, my life has just fallen apart. I'm disabled with a bad spine, my house was foreclosed on, I have no income, my wife decided that she had enough and left me. I am currently staying with my sister and her children while I wait on the great state of North Carolina to decide if I am actually disabled or not (hint: I am). So I have troubles. I still smile though, Why? because it can always be worse. add to that it wont serve me to fall into depression now I just got over that in dealing with being disabled. Am I sad? yes, I thought that this one was the one, my one and only, I could see myself growing old with her, I love her. However, she is unfaithful, she had cheated on me once, I am fairly certain that she was and is cheating on me still. I have no proof, but a lot of circumstantial evidence. I am not going to make whole lot of hoopla about this now, for a major reason, my children. So I am focusing on getting my youngest son enrolled into school for the first time. He seems excited about it. I continue to try and work things out with my wife at the moment in trying to arrange visitation, as well as other aspects. She is not making it easy. Add to it all she refuses to give me her address, which I could honestly care less about, except that it would make life a little easier in delivering the children. I love how she claims that she's afraid that I will drop by unexpectedly, heh, I've never been a stalker, and frankly I don't care too. lets think about this, she left me, yes I would have loved us to stay together but I can't trust her, and she left, so I don't want to get back with her. I want to live a drama free life as much as possible. Anyway, I'll see about updating this occasionally to let the world know how I am doing.
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