Terrified

I am terrified, I’m going through a serious upheaval in my life right now, and I am not only terrified but devastated as well. The truth of the matter is this, I do NOT have control of other people. Now normally this isn’t a bad thing. However, this other person apparently wants to hurt me. I don’t know why, I don’t understand it. I do not believe that I have ever done anything to warrant it. I understand that there are two sides to a coin (technically three on a coin.) and I try hard to understand this persons position. But alas I can’t even fathom what is going through their head.

The part that truly scares me, is not so much as to what this person can do to me, but how it affects the children.  The fact that the children can be used against a parent. This thought sickens and terrifies me. I can only be the best that I can be. I can strive to be better (and I’m doing so every day). I can only hope that I can reduce, subdue, decrease, lessen  the damage that might befall them. 

Perhaps I am jumping the gun so to speak, perhaps I worry over nothing. If that is so then Thank the Lord God. For I hate for any child to go through this. Times have changed, a vow is no longer the sacred words that they once were. The divorce rate in this country alone is so high that it seems to me that people are getting married like they’re dating. I did not enter into the marriage, because I thought it was the next step in dating. I did not enter into marriage because I wanted to raise children and put them through the hell of a divorce. I am trying to be amicable. I know what my significant other did during our marriage. I know I probably should of left the first time this person strayed. I was hopelessly in love, I cared for and adored her. I wanted it to work. I did not ask to be disabled. I did not go out and actively seek to damage my spine to a condition that I can neither sit or stand, nor did I pursue to have my arms riddled with pain. This afflictions are what God had lined up for me. I was severely depressed for some time. And at the behest of my significant other finally sought help. I am doing better. I require some medication to maintain my pleasant mental stability. But, even so, I did not think that I was that bad. I have worked with this person through their issues, I have remained faithful even though they had not, I spoke with held comforted, and loved this person. And now when I was expecting the same, they left me. Poisoned my step-children against me. Why? What is the purpose? why not just leave? Ten years I have been with them. Ten years I have raised two other men’s children as if they were my own. And when God saw fit to bless us with two of our own children I still gave them the love that they deserved. I remember speaking with them about their fathers. I remember consoling them, I even remember telling them that their fathers are lost at this time and not to hate them, that one day their fathers would try and return to them.

I am not a saint. I was married and divorced before. I bore two boys with my first wife, and for reasons that I may refrain from speaking about at this time (it is still a sad subject and I am already saddened by my current situation to discuss that one any further.) I merely mention this to show I am no saint. I’m not. I am a sad man. Perhaps if I wasn’t taking the aforementioned medication I would be severely depressed. I am waiting on disability from the government so that I too may live. But am a parent. As such I take pride in my children for their first steps, words, laugh, gas, potty’s, running, friends, sentences, smiles. These I hold dear, though I may not remember every one clearly. I am terrified.

Why do I put this out here? why do I post my dirty laundry for the world to see? I don’t know. I’m not really seeking attention (though, perhaps subconsciously I am, I don’t think so.) I merely feel the need to say something to someone. I have a wonderful sister with children of her own that are providing me with a wonderful place for serenity, and help. God bless them. Perhaps, this is a warning, perhaps, it’s a waste of time. Perhaps, this is a prayer. Whatever this is that compels me to write this for the universe to see, it is what it is. Thank you for taking the time to read this, thank you for any prayers that may have been sent my way. I shall pray for you too. But, please pray for the children. They need it more then I do in the near future. God bless you all.